Welcome to Making the Rounds

      Navigating the various pathways of your existence requires you to stop and check yourself at each intersection.  It’s never a straight line as you have probably discovered by now. In spite of our conscious devotion to a linear life where “ducks line up in a row,” and our belief that if we just cross off each eventful task that it will take us directly, without passing ‘go’, to the next rung on the ladder is leading a life of conditioned response.

     Have you ever asked yourself, “where am I going?” and “why do I want to go this way versus that way?”  It is vitally important to be aware and partake in the various fragrances of life, and perhaps relax into the notion that maybe you don’t really have a real idea of where you want to go, or what talents and originality that you may actually possess; you just go on the path.

      It takes courage to really engage and embrace your life; not the life other people may see you leading, encourage you to embark on, or even attempt to pave or pay your way.  You are the holder of your hopes, dreams, and the multitude of life lessons that you choose to undergo in order to really discover all that you are, and all that you are here to do.

      In order to live a courageous life be willing to dream both awake and asleep of all the ways you want to be alive and really feel connected to a world beyond your fleeting sense of separateness. The more you practice dreaming your life into being, and this means defining the values, and truths you want to live by, and actually practicing them, the more fulfilled you will feel personally. Personal fulfillment then radiates proportionally to the collective universe.

        Does this mean all is well in your private conscious universe? Of course not. You will discover that as you move toward the center of your truth, and sigh that you made it for that moment something will challenge it. Practice, practice, and practice more.  It takes courage to be you, but it’s worth walking the path and getting lost from time to time. Stay awake, dream, stay close to your truth and keep walking.

If you could really save time in a bottle what is the first thing you would do? Would you savor every day, wish away the time, or pretend that you could be elsewhere? What really is important to you? How do you know where to start?

Time is the essence of how you spend your life. At the end of your life what would you rather count? How much time you spent in the office; how much time you spent on projects never completed; perhaps how much time you spent on creating secure investments, worrying over matters of what others’ consider important. You decide the essence, the fabric, the culmination of your being not so much in linear achievements, but in the investment of how well you loved.

How well do you love? How receptive are you to being loved? Do you have passion for the work you do? Do you experience joy? Do you allow other’s to feel joy in your presence? Can you see your life from a degree of attachment, or do you measure you life by ego involvement? This is a difficult, and daunting task. Your ego is here to find physical experiences that reinforces what and who you are in temporary time. It is the part of you that understands that we work for security, that we create pension plans for future planning, that we accumulate sick, vacation, and personal time for our moments when we need breaks, or experience unexpected challenges.

On the other hand, the part of you that only knows joy is the part that recognizes, appreciates, and reveres a sunrise, that swerves to miss a confused squirrel in your direct path, that does stop to see the flowers, that smiles when you witness an elderly couple hold hands, that knows that nothing matters but the ones you hold dear.

At the end of your day, your night, or your life pull out the fragments of who you are and make them whole again. See your life as if it is time in a bottle. Embrace renewal, spontaneity, joy, laughter, tears, and compassion. Be who you are and always unravel the mystery of your life. It is endless.

Embarking on a sacred quest of self-discovery can bring about profound changes in your daily life. The interesting paradox of awakeneing, however, is that we can’t go back to a mindless form of slumber, for every time you lapse, something or someone will shake your ground.

 Perhaps you have encountered an experience of perceivng an aspect of your world for the very first time. I recently received a heightened warning by two crows circling above my car while I meandered my way up a twisting narrowing slope only wide enough for one car. I was drifting between thoughts when I noticed not only were the crows circling, they were intersecting each other just above my windshield. I quickly attended to nature’s wisdom and looked up to see a car descending upon me. I was able to position the car with ample room, and allow the other drive to pass unscathed.

This is an example of awakening, and attending to the larger scheme that also involves intricate communication with all life.

Another area of life that unfolds when awakened is our emotional being. Part of living authentically, and being in the moment is to become aware and accept the range of emotions as an emotional state arises. It’s learning to experience the feelings within the feelings, and by embracing this process we find peace and become free. Feelings become like visitors…just passing through.

As a practice try attending to the emotional richness during a quiet time, or within a sacred space. See how many feeling states you can recognize. For instance, allow ambivalent, cheerful, greedy, jealousy, joyful, pissed-off to wash over you, and learn to bow to “the ten thousand joys and the ten thousand sorrows” with tenderness, compassion, and acceptance.

Here’s to awakening!

Cheers, Kathy

In this age of loss and alienation driven by “the age of machinery” we humans crave for connection and collaboration.  It would seem that the many faces we encounter throughout the day could be random and non-meaningful exchanges, and as such, we often treat it that way, but what if you were to engage with your fellow human in a more meaningful way?

It would seem that if we invested energy in getting to really know and understand each other that we could bring about the change we desire to see in the world. For instance, I recently started bumping into people who seemed to feel similar to I, that we could be contributing our divine gifts and talents to the world if only we supported these talents in each other.

Amazingly simple, this is the start of soul companionship. Surround like with like and a magical synergy begins to emerge. Let each other’s gift shine and develop with daily  nourishment. It doesn’t matter how irrational or unrealistic an idea is, however, nothing can take form without thought and dreams.

Be a soul companion and you will have a soul companion. Share your vision with another and begin the process of discovering who you are, and why you are here, and what talents you can give.  This may mean scratching those plans for security, retirement, and the conventional life. However, one thing for sure you will have company along the way.

This month’s issue centers around cosmic questioning. The primary quest along your path is to grapple with how much of your life is planned by you, and how much is your life co-created with divine support. Let’s break this down.

Many of us would like to believe that we are the puppetmasters dictating our life direction with control, autonomy and freedom of choice. When we bump into a situation that doesn’t fit this recipe, only then do we start questioning the larger spectrum. What if you have experienced a devasting illness, an untimely divorce, an unanticipated death of a loved one, the forced loss of a job.  Well, very little of these events do we consciously choose, and sometimes we view these events as undeserving, or punishments, or some form of suffering that we have caused ourselves.

What if, however, events are a cosmic form of guidance? Not just the setbacks and tragedies of our lives, but the chance meetings of an old friend, a romantic partner you had almost given hope of meeting, the straggly dog you found on the road that became your best companion, the person you offered help to that became your dearest friend.

Ask yourself, does your faith allow you to accept a guide, a messenger, an encounter that exists outside of your rational mind? What happens if you allow the divine to show you the way, rather than you insisting you know the way, thank you very much? Is it difficult for you to ask for help? What happens when you feel stuck in life? What do you turn towards?  

Try this task.  Make a time line of all the major life events you encountered. Next to your time line write down what person, event, or intuitive guidance you recall receiving at the time. Notice any patterns? Is this just coincidence, or divine intervention? You decide.

Family systems are a great subject. Everyone enjoys discussing some element of family history, from the humorous to the strange, and sometimes tragic. On a cultural, and mental health scale the term ‘dysfunctional’ is tossed around so frequently, less we forget that there are healthy systems thriving as well.

Let me point out a few attributes of a healthy family. First off, it is helpful to view a family using the term differentiated. Family theorists, such as Murray Bowen, used this term to describe how well a family member is able to separate thoughts and feelings as it relates to the self within the system. An undifferentiated person within a system tends to have difficulty separating their own from other people’s feelings.

The process of differentiation is the ability to free one’s self from one’s family, while staying emotionally connected. This is the process of observing oneself while experiencing the family problems, but not getting into the mess of blaming, scapegoating, or cutting-off relationships.

The process that leads to differentitation can be supported when the family is rooted with healthy attributes. For many people, the path to individuation is painfully difficult and takes several generations, and this will be further discussed in a future post.

Let’s take a look as some of the finer features of healthy families. First, is the issue of balance. A healthy system can adapt to change, and not remained locked in age-old patterns that prohibit growth, or feed off the latest crisis. Second, the family views emotional problems as something that is a part of the system, and not an invidividual deviance. Healthy systems understand that if a member of the family is depressed, that the individual is signaling to the family an imbalance exists. Perhaps it is a child who is experiencing depression, and it just so happens that the parents are experiencing an emptiness in the marriage. Individual emotional issues are then used as a signal or tracking devise to alert the family.

The next trait is called dyads. In a high functioning family, members work out their conflict with each other. The common problem in many families is triangles. This means that the tension builds between two people, and a third is brought in to diffuse the emotional angst.

Another feature is tolerance of differences. How accepted are your viewpoints within your family? Are they respected, criticized, ignored. In a healthy family tolerance are viewed as unique to that person. This could mean clothing choices, friendships, political outlooks. It is simply seen as that individual’s way of perceiving the world in their own distinctive way.

A healthy family is positive in nature. Members enjoy being in the family, and provide support and honest feedback when needed. Each member is aware of what nurturance comes from the family, and is flexibly open to outside influences that encourage growth and change.

Lastly, family members feel a strong connections across generational lines. Family reunions, vacations, and gatherings are common ways to share biological bonds, and celebrate the joy and uniqueness of the family system.

“Love is the ability and willingness to allow those that you care for to be what they choose for themselves without any insistence that they satisfy you.” Wayne Dyer

This week’s theme centers around what we often do in relationships, but don’t readily admit. It’s the dreaded word “expectation.” How many of you think “I don’t expect much from_______,” when indeed you may expect devotion, security, praise, affirmation, sacrifice, and the list goes on. When we expect these darling terms from our loved ones what we are really saying is that I need these for MY well-being. It becomes a serious affliction of self-aggrandizement, and not an authentic relationship.

What is an authentic relationship? One in which the relationship, not the conditions of the relationship, is based on mutual respect, trust and acceptance. These are the big three ingredients to what sustains and supports authenticity. A loving relationship is life supportive, it brings nourishment like rain to a flower. It doesn’t demand the flower lose a few petals, changes its appearance, or uproot to a new location. It simply accepts the natural growth of the flower, and showers it as needed.

For this weeks lesson see where you might be placing expectations on your loved ones. What is it he or she needs to do for you not to feel disappointed in him or her? What power are you giving this person over your self-esteem, confidence, and capacity to function as a whole person? What statements does someone have to say you to that causes you to feel crushed, rejected, or emotionally abandoned? What belief do you harness about this relationship? Is this person your ‘soul’ mate, companion, spouse, casual friend, sibling? Notice what kind of demands you place on loved ones depending on the level of intimacy (deep sharing) involved in the relationship.

What I’m suggesting is that when we love someone we often trip over the erroneous assumption, “If I give my love to this person, and all the baggage that goes with me, then I expect them to give to me back at the same level.” Folks, this is the beginning of keeping score, and the inevitable power struggle that will show up down the line.

Reverse this strategy and ask yourself, “What does my loved one expect of me?” Do I like this feeling? “What happens if I don’t meet the expectation?” “Am I cut-off emotionally, physically, or financially?” “What price am I ultimately paying when I live my life based on demands for relationship comfort, rather than relationship growth?”

Relationships require renewal, nourishment, new seeds, and firm roots. When a relationship is grounded enough to be genuine then our actions are naturally supportive to what the other person needs from us to expand as a loving being. When we function from the perspective of “What have you done for me lately?” it’s only a matter of time until the relationship splinters because it is not based on anything naturally supportive, so it will perish, as it should. Only real love endures.

As adaptable as we humans are - we adjust to frequent moves, alter our careers, switch partners, change with the seasons- it’s amazing that most people resist change, and generally feel a sense of powerlessness when things just happen.

When is the last time you embraced change? It could have been a job loss, a romantic break-up, moving away from family, or altering your nutrition. The point is change doesn’t always require that we have to adopt a solemn attitude, or a downtrodden sense of failure, it can mean that life holds mysteries and stories that is ours to tell through seemingly trying life events.

Why is change so difficult? We endlessly and foolishly believe that we control our lives, when most of us stop and think, the most spectacular gifts come when we least expect it. Have you ever diverted from a road that was impassable, then detour on a bumpy, rutted back road, cursing the entire time, only to view an eagle in flight, or a baby fox sauntering across the road? These are nature’s gifts, and they don’t happen by plan, but through spontaneity.

So, the thought process in creating change can feel painful, because we have become conditioned to believe we are the sole leaders in our singular lives. However, most of us can use a little transition now and then, and embark on new learning experiences. Seeking change can be a powerful growth opportunity, and a way to check where one may feel most resistant. For instance, many relationships and marriages can become stagnant without renewal. When is the last time you nourished your current relationship? There are so many endearing ways to proclaim to another you care; an original poem, making homemade jam, taking in a sunset. The point is that it’s natural, in that it is an extension of yourself.

As an exercise consider all areas of your life and make a list of the things you want to do that will enliven a stale fragment of your life. How could you experience fulfillment in your work, with your family, friends, within your spiritual center, hobbies and interests, etc. Ask yourself, “Am I allowing space for experiences to teach, guide and enrich me, or am I closing off opportunities because I am afraid of stretching myself in new directions?”

Start small. Sudden change can be a bit overwhelming, so create small steps in order to gain momentum, and confidence in sampling growth experiences. For instance, an exercise program may consist of one unfamiliar activity per week with a goal of feeling good while participating. This limits the degree that self-evaluating and criticizing occur, because the goal is to only enjoy. This could be running, hiking, martial arts, ballroom dancing-any activity that is out of your normal comfort zone.

The key is to immerse yourself in the experience by embracing the many sensations of the activity. If you choose hiking, you could pay attention to smells, sounds, the feel of the wind, the reflection of water, and not the pace, time, and number of hills climbed.

Perspective and altering old thinking habits while groping with new engaging opportunities is the change that will do you good.